Navigating Relationship Challenges: Understanding Needs and Boundaries in a Long-Term Partnership

Dear Christine, I AM A MAN in my 40s. I have been living with someone for over ten years and I have never had sex with anyone else the whole time we have been together. She, however, has.

I know of about four men. I actually made her admit that she had sex with one of them, and so it is probably more than four. Besides forcing her admission, I have never even said anything about the rest, like when I came home from a road job and she was in bed with an ex of hers. I just lay down on the couch and went to sleep.

Recently, I have gotten to know a woman, probably the sexiest, most beautiful (and super-nice, intelligent and fun) woman ever made. I actually had to stay away from her for several months because I could hardly control myself around her.

I saw her again recently and I do not want to stop again. My girlfriend is ten years older than I am and has some medical issues now too, so I do not think I could just kick her out or hurt her. At the same time, she won’t allow me to have a woman as a friend. I am not even supposed to talk to other women, but if my girlfriend could read my mind when I see this other woman, I would need a better life insurance policy.

Unfortunately, when I am with this other woman, I cannot think of anyone else, especially my girlfriend.

Am I wrong for wanting this other woman? I am not seeking a passing grade, but I am kind of dumb when it comes to women. What should I do?

– D.J. Dear D.J., It does not sound like your relationship with your girlfriend is making either one of you happy. She seems to consistently look outside the relationship to have needs met and you, rather than talk to her about this very big issue, stick your head in the sand and pretend it is not happening.

Meanwhile, your needs are not being met either, and rather than discuss that with your girlfriend, you are contemplating cheating on her and justifying your potential betrayal with the understanding that your girlfriend has been cheating on your for years. This is all so unhealthy and dysfunctional and not doing either one of you any good at all. Why don’t you just break up?

I understand that you are afraid that breaking up with your girlfriend, who is ten years older than you and “has some medical issues”, whatever that means, would be hurtful. But cheating is hurtful too.

What makes you draw the line at breaking up but not stepping out? Is it the fear of your girlfriend being homeless? Is she financially dependent

on you in a way that leaving her would be logistically devastating? There are ways to address these concerns that allow you both to have the freedom it seems you both need and crave.

I urge you to communicate with your girlfriend. I would not mention your desire for this other woman, but you can frame your conversation around your concern that you two have drifted apart and no longer meet each other’s needs.

Try to refrain from being accusatory and throwing assumptions in her face that you have never addressed before to justify hurting her now. This is not really about keeping score of who has hurt the other more or who has racked up the most betrayals. This is about a relationship that has run its course and two people who do not seem to know how to humanely end it.

You can be kind and generous in a breakup; it’s possible. But the first step in a humane break-up is honest and open communication, so start there. Be honest about how you have felt and be open about your fears in ending the relationship, including your concerns about your girlfriend’s long-term well-being. Give her a chance to express her fears and needs, and see how you two can work together to give this relationship a better and more loving ending than you have given to its lifespan.

Once you have broken up with your girlfriend, then by all means pursue this other woman if you still want to. But make sure your advances are wanted before you jump all in. Someone who “cannot control himself” around a beautiful woman is walking a fine line, and you do not want to cross into creepy behaviour or you will have much bigger problems than being in a dead-end relationship you have let go on for too long.

– CHRISTINE